Mental and emotional suffering have become the norm in today’s world. What used to be a rare disease has now become an epidemic, affecting the young, the old, and even the seemingly successful. Every year, we are assaulted by headlines of celebrities taking their own lives, which leaves us wondering why someone with so much success, fame, and riches could decide that life is just not worth living. One only has to pay attention to the daily news to discover that all violence in society is a final result of mental and emotional suffering. We may find reasons why an adult would suffer mentally, citing bills, money woes, relationship struggles, and health issues. Still, a new concern is growing globally as children as young as 12 years old are beginning to attempt suicide. Teenagers involved in school violence, such as shootings, are usually prompted to do so by an inability to process and release mental stress. What, we may ask, seems to be the problem? And, is there a solution?
My Story
Allow me to share a brief version of my story. My personal experience with mental and emotional suffering, diagnosed as depression, and my unconventional triumph over it. I must have been 12 years of age when I realized that something was different about me. I did not relate to my siblings in a way that would be termed as normal for a child of that age. I had begun to isolate myself, reading books late into the night, and was unresponsive when questioned as to whether I was okay. Though I did not know at the time, this would be just the beginning of a long walk with the “demon” known as depression. By the time I was a teenager, I was skipping family get-togethers and trips.
Many years of therapy in my young adulthood really helped to clarify things and started me on a journey towards healing and wholeness. As an adult having mostly overcome depression, I went through a rough marriage, which led to separation. It was a time riddled with anxiety, yet another foe I had to face. During this time, yoga and meditation proved to be indispensable tools for overcoming anxiety. The advice I share here comes from my own journey and personal fight with depression and anxiety, both of which I eventually slayed. This is not to say that I have completely transcended and never suffer from the occasional bout of sadness or anxiety. After all, challenges in life are inevitable, and the emotional response to them is natural. However, I have found ways of coping better, getting out of the ‘dump’ faster, and living a life free of mental suffering.
Tips for Navigating Mental Suffering
The advice I share here comes from a combination of material derived from the school of psychology, the mindfulness movement, the yogic lifestyle, and wisdom derived from various cultures and philosophies. These are all concepts that have worked for me. If applied with surety, these ideas may work for you as well.
Disclaimer: If you are suffering from severe depression and anxiety, please seek help from a mental health professional. Also, I am aware that there may be situations in which the below pointers may not help, for example, the loss of a loved one. In such situations, it is good to seek someone experienced in grief counseling and trust the process of healing. The tips below are for those struggling with daily circumstantial mental suffering brought about by their work, family, friends, relationships, and environment. Clinical depression is serious, and those suffering should seek medical advice.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, here are ten ways to stop or alleviate mental and emotional suffering:
1. Make and Carve Out Time for Yourself.
We use work and other activities to distract ourselves from thinking about our depression, anxiety, and emotional suffering. Spending countless hours on Netflix binge-watching shows or playing video games till the wee morning hours, shopping till we drop, and scrolling on social media till our fingers grow numb. All these habits are nothing but compensation for the emptiness we may be feeling inside. The Buddhists call this the hungry ghost, and it is depicted as a face with a wide open mouth, residing in our abdominal area. They say that no matter what you feed this ghost, he will never be satisfied. Therefore, we are constantly feeding it. Spending time with ourselves without distraction helps us to look within ourselves for the answers meditatively. The answers are within. During this time, it is a good idea to journal your thoughts, feelings, and self-discoveries.
Fear of loneliness makes it difficult for us to carve out alone time because we are afraid we may suffer if nobody is there for us. On the contrary, learning how to enjoy solitude is a good way to build your mental strength and to find ways to make yourself truly happy without the need for exterior stimulation.
2. Accept Your Suffering Without Judgement.
It is absolutely fine to feel pain and to have negative thoughts. Permit yourself to accept all your feelings. Do not judge yourself. Often, we exacerbate the situation by dwelling on our negative feelings and thoughts. Accepting ourselves and showing compassion towards ourselves is the first step to healing. When we learn not to judge ourselves and to treat ourselves the way we wish others would treat us, we find that we start to believe that we deserve better and that we are worthy. In doing so, our subconscious beliefs begin to shift in our favor, paving the way to better habits and a lifestyle that is conducive to our mental health.
3. Face Your suffering.
Face your demons. Do not be afraid. The acronym F.E.A.R. stands for False Evidence that Appears Real. Fear is a healthy reaction in certain situations, as it is a form of self-preservation. In the primal days, being alone meant that you had been excommunicated from your tribe and that you were in danger of being harmed by wild animals and other tribes. In today’s society, we are all confined to our cities and towns, away from the wild animals. In most cases, fear does not have a significant role in our lives currently, but it still rears its ugly head. Facing your fears, depression, anxiety, and other unsightly emotions can help you to regain your power and to begin to be proactive in your life.
4.Practice Self Inquiry
One way to practice self-inquiry is to sit in silence and ask yourself questions like, “Who am I?”, “Why am I suffering? What is causing my suffering?”, “How can I stop suffering?”, “Do I have a choice to accept or not accept the suffering?”. Self-inquiry is a method that has been used in the Yogic and Buddhist traditions for thousands of years. In meditation, the practitioner concentrates on the sensations in the body and asks themselves the question, “Who am I?”. This method has been made popular through the teachings of a Yogi who lived by the name of Ramana Maharshi, amongst others. He encourages you to question yourself and observe your thoughts and emotions as though you were an outside witness. It is in doing so that you realize your thoughts and feelings are independent of you. You can control them just like you can control your hand. If you are curious to learn more about self-inquiry, author David Godman’s article on Ramana Maharshi and his self-inquiry method is a good start.
Try Psychotherapy
Self-inquiry is not just a yogic philosophy. It is also something indirectly used in psychotherapy. As the patient expresses himself to the therapist, the therapist neither reacts nor responds. I remember getting very frustrated during my first year of therapy. I confessed to my therapist that I did not feel that he was helping me, because he was not giving me responses or advice on what to do once I went home. He smiled, still mysterious about how the whole process worked, but encouraged me to trust in it. Years later, I realized that in the process of me talking and him just listening, I was solving my own problems. I could hear myself saying negative things that didn’t make sense, and there was a part of me that wondered, “What the hell is that thought?” In the process, I was able to observe my thoughts and determine the irrational ones, and in doing so, I came up with solutions on my own. To inquire of thyself is to know thyself, and to know thyself is to heal thyself.
5. Accept Full Responsibility for Everything In Your Life.
If you genuinely want to end suffering in your life, you must be willing to accept full responsibility for the good, the bad, the joy, and the suffering in your life. This is a difficult pill to swallow. I didn’t like it myself when I first heard it. The first time I heard this idea, I was listening to a YouTube video by Leo Gura from Actualized.org. Leo is a fantastic self-actualization teacher, and it was during my personal search for peace and self-confidence that I ran into his videos. His work has been life-changing for me. He has a very straightforward, no-nonsense way of relaying his message, so needless to say, hearing this from him was not fun. I struggled with this reality for a while. How can I be responsible for the things, people, and circumstances that caused my depression and anxiety? I was disturbed by this concept for a while. Digging further, I realized that taking full responsibility for everything in our lives is a step towards freedom. It empowers us to take control and make proactive decisions that benefit us. Recognizing that you can’t control what others do or the world around you, but you do have control over your own feelings, emotions, words, and actions. You begin to realize that you are not a victim. You have the power to change your life and stop the suffering in your life.
6. Forgive Yourself and Others (Let Go Of Your Past)
Forgiving yourself is obviously very important. Many of us suffer because we are holding our past against ourselves. We often replay these stories in our minds about the mistakes we’ve made, and we refuse to give ourselves a break. This causes intense suffering as it results in habitually thinking negatively about ourselves.
Forgiving others is equally important. Many times, we may feel that the person in question does not deserve our forgiveness. We may be trying to punish the person who hurt us by holding their trespasses over their head. Unfortunately, in many instances, the individual you are angry at either does not know or they downright do not care. So, we hold onto the negative thoughts and feelings, hoping that one day, our enemy will wake up and realize his errors. What we fail to recognize is that we are hurting only ourselves. Many chronic illnesses are caused by stress, and holding onto negative emotions definitely causes stress. The longer we stay in a stress response, the more harm we are causing our bodies.
The Center for Integrated Healthcare (CIH) has created a stress fact sheet stating that 75% to 90% of all doctors’ office visits are for stress-related ailments and complaints.1 They also indicate that stress leads to major life-threatening illnesses such as heart attacks, liver disease, and lung ailments. Distress can lead to physical symptoms, including headaches, upset stomach, blood pressure elevation, chest pains, and insomnia. They conclude that stress can lead to unhealthy habits like alcohol, tobacco, and drug abuse, which in turn lead to even more life-threatening illnesses.
I hope I have convinced you to drop the load by forgiving yourself and others and letting go of the stories from your past: travel light, my friend.
7. Drop All Dogma, Extremist, and Rigid Limiting Beliefs.
A dogmatic person or group of people may find themselves in situations that cause suffering to themselves and others. This happens when arguments arise about topics like political differences, religious beliefs, and lifestyle choices. A dogmatic individual has left no room for learning or improvement. They believe that their way is the only proper way and everyone else is wrong. Such a person may struggle to get along with others, and groups of dogmatic individuals may exclude others, potentially leading to violence, in an attempt to assert their views or coerce others into believing in their ideology. There is no need to explain how this can cause mental stress to oneself and others.
Having beliefs and belonging to a group is fine. There is nothing wrong with that. It is when these beliefs become dogmas that the suffering begins. Watching television and hearing someone speak about something that contradicts your beliefs could cause you to react negatively. It can also be challenging to make friends and influence others positively when your constant arguing on a topic at a gathering puts people off. This, in turn, may make you feel isolated and alone, causing even more distress.
Being a good listener and accepting the world with the people in it as it is can remove an enormous weight from your shoulders. You will breathe better knowing that your job is not to change the world and the people around you. Your responsibility is to yourself first, and once you have adopted this, if your path is truly a good one, people will follow. You will not need to convince them of anything.
8. Let Go of Expectation and Outcomes.
This one was a difficult one for me as well. Buddha said that the number one cause of suffering is “desire”. Why? Because when we desire something, we hang our joy or disappointment on the outcome. If someone you like calls or texts you, you feel happy. If they do not, you become disappointed. Our desires lead to expectations, which in turn lead to our reactions to the outcome. Is it wrong to desire? No. Absolutely not. It is not bad to expect or desire, but we must be careful about what our desires and expectations are. Are they realistic? Remembering that we have no control over other people. Only ourselves. Therefore, it is better to be aware of our own reactions when something we expected did not happen. By aligning our desires with healthier, attainable goals and lowering our expectations in situations beyond our control, we can become more accepting of reality. When we accept things as they are, we can deal with them more effectively.
9. Don’t Take Yourself or Others Too Seriously.
Learn to laugh at yourself sometimes. Don’t be so hard on yourself. If you make a mistake, laugh it off. If you trip and fall, make a joke and laugh. Laugh in the face of your enemies or adversity. Of course, we can’t laugh in every situation, but laughter is medicine. Laughter is a great way to relieve stress. During the coronavirus epidemic, I would look at everyone wearing a mask and I would make jokes and laugh in my head, telling myself that we all looked like a scene from a bad movie. The virus is a situation that is out of our hands, so why stress about something that we have no control over? Instead, laugh at the empty supermarket shelves, because everyone freaked out and bought all the tissue paper. Go ahead, laugh! You will feel a whole lot better.
10. Declutter Your Life.
I am not referring to cleaning our house or bathroom, although this is stress-relieving as well. What I mean here is to eliminate the things, people, and situations that cause stress and suffering in your life. It could be a job that you hate, a relationship with the wrong person, or even where you live. Taking control of your entire life is very important. Actively moving things around in your life can be very empowering. If you must, move to a different apartment, house, city, or even country. Realizing that you are not a victim and taking baby steps can slowly begin to rebuild your life into one that you are happier about. If you are depressed, finding a good therapist or doctor is essential. This will help you to put things in perspective. If you are in an abusive relationship or marriage, planning to get out and actually taking the steps to get out may not be easy, but in the end, you will be glad you did it.
Removing stress-inducing people and situations from your life can indeed lead to momentary loneliness. However, remember that you are a better company for yourself, and allow space for the right people to come into your life.
I hope this article has been helpful. Feel free to share it and to send me your views or questions on the topic. I wish you all the best on your life’s journey.
